121! i weigh 121!

i should go work out!
(but i probably won't)

Ugh. took too much adderall.
trying to drink some wine and settle down.
at least i have nothing to do tomorrow.

i had to get up 6:00am to babysit my niece.
it was a great happy day.
it was a really good day.
spending time with her just brightens my mood and i don't think about stressful things.
instead i think of just her and what will make her smile (or behave).

i couldn't sleep last night though (didn't take drugs).
just couldn't sleep. plain old insomnia.
it might have been that nate and i fought. over something really stupid. and i was being stubborn and short-tempered, but i didn't want to admit that.
and he mentioned that i complain too much and "bitch about people" for too long.
which made me mad and i acted SO offended.
but in reality, i suppose i could cut back on the complaining.
he never complains.
ever.
and never talks about people behind their back.
i can't tell if he's loyal or just boring/simple in that area.
hah.

anyways. i couldn't sleep so i stayed up watching intervention on youtube.
so i took my little helpers to keep me awake today.
overkill.
i watched haley (brought her out to eat w/ nate and then went to children's museum) from 6AM-5:30PM. Then studied for a half second and went to my 7:00 class to take a quiz!
wheeee!

okay i'm done sharing.

lost weight, im at 123.
123 haven't been this low since highschool! makes me happy.
except that nate and i fought and i stuffed my face with chocolate chip cookies.
brimming with anger.
maybe we are fighting because i want to fight.
i want to spew all these bad feelings out instead of weep them out in tears.
fuck you fuck you fuck you.

you know what? i refuse to let this issue get me down again.
i refuse refuse refuse refuse.
i'm not going to wallow in this any longer. i need to focus on all the good things that are happening in my life right now instead of that shitty thing that happened in my past.
things are going really well too.
i should be happy.
i'm doing the best i've ever done in college.
i have a 3.5 GPA which is amazing considering how horribly i've always done.
i'm doing well in my present classes, i don't feel overwhelmed or have that fear of failing.
i stressed and freaked over a presentation/experiment i had to do in front of class, Chef liked it so much that he asked if he could keep it! and said i did a great job!
i have lots of adderall.
i'm living at home, but i don't have to deal with my roommate situation anymore.
i have the whole weekend off.
i am getting more hours at work in the next couple of weeks.
i'm making plans about my future that are really hopeful and do NOT rely or coincede with my relationship with nate.
he is NOT my life. I cannot let this rule me.
i'm my own person and i'm living my own life for me, not for his love.
if this doesn't work, i will NOT be alone. i have tremendous friends that are like my soul sisters. i have a close loving family that always listens and supports me.
i'm more than this relationship.
i'm just me, i'm not a WE.

siiiiiiiiiigh. there's my pick me up.

i'm sad. i wish i wasn't, but i am.
i want to get over nate cheating on me so badly.
it was 6 months ago, i shouldn't be thinking about it so much.
the other night we were making love and it felt so good and while he was kissing me, i thought; is this how he kissed her that night?
did he place his hand up her thigh like this?
did he tell her she was beautiful?
he got hard for her..
he put his dick inside of her..
did he make her cum?
did he cum?

of course he'd never tell me, or even tell the truth.
what does it matter?
he fucked another girl. i can't change that, i told him i forgive him.
why her?
what was so special?
what am i lacking?
i feel like my heart has terribly patched hole and it's never ever going to mend.
it ruins my mood. i just want to love him. i want things back to the way they were before.
maybe that will never happen.
i hate that girl.
i fucking hate her.