i'm sad. i wish i wasn't, but i am.
i want to get over nate cheating on me so badly.
it was 6 months ago, i shouldn't be thinking about it so much.
the other night we were making love and it felt so good and while he was kissing me, i thought; is this how he kissed her that night?
did he place his hand up her thigh like this?
did he tell her she was beautiful?
he got hard for her..
he put his dick inside of her..
did he make her cum?
did he cum?

of course he'd never tell me, or even tell the truth.
what does it matter?
he fucked another girl. i can't change that, i told him i forgive him.
why her?
what was so special?
what am i lacking?
i feel like my heart has terribly patched hole and it's never ever going to mend.
it ruins my mood. i just want to love him. i want things back to the way they were before.
maybe that will never happen.
i hate that girl.
i fucking hate her.

you know what? i refuse to let this issue get me down again.
i refuse refuse refuse refuse.
i'm not going to wallow in this any longer. i need to focus on all the good things that are happening in my life right now instead of that shitty thing that happened in my past.
things are going really well too.
i should be happy.
i'm doing the best i've ever done in college.
i have a 3.5 GPA which is amazing considering how horribly i've always done.
i'm doing well in my present classes, i don't feel overwhelmed or have that fear of failing.
i stressed and freaked over a presentation/experiment i had to do in front of class, Chef liked it so much that he asked if he could keep it! and said i did a great job!
i have lots of adderall.
i'm living at home, but i don't have to deal with my roommate situation anymore.
i have the whole weekend off.
i am getting more hours at work in the next couple of weeks.
i'm making plans about my future that are really hopeful and do NOT rely or coincede with my relationship with nate.
he is NOT my life. I cannot let this rule me.
i'm my own person and i'm living my own life for me, not for his love.
if this doesn't work, i will NOT be alone. i have tremendous friends that are like my soul sisters. i have a close loving family that always listens and supports me.
i'm more than this relationship.
i'm just me, i'm not a WE.

siiiiiiiiiigh. there's my pick me up.